Lover, I need you to understand something.
I do not like my body,
No, I hate my body.
No, you cannot fix me
By telling me I’m beautiful or handsome
Or any other nice word you can think of.
I am not some project to be worked on.
I am stubborn and selfish,
And no inspirational quote you vomit out of your mouth
Is going to make me love myself any more.
Lover, I need you to understand,
That there are days where I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror,
Even with my clothes on.
There are times where I won’t want to speak for the rest of the day,
Because my voice doesn’t sound like it should.
There are days where I will try on 5 different outfits,
Only to give up and put on a baggy hoody
Because my hips are more noticeable today than they were yesterday.
I will complain about my binder hurting me,
But I refuse to go a single day without it,
Even when I go to the gym,
Or it’s 100 degrees outside,
Or if it’s hard for me to breathe in it that day.
It’s hard for me to correct people sometimes,
To tell them that I’m not a “ma’am”, but a “sir”.
Sometimes I will want you to help me,
Other times I won’t want you to make such a big deal of things,
You’ll probably never win.
Lover, understand that when we fuck,
Oh that won’t be an easy feat for you.
Know that you’re lucky if I get even half naked for you,
Or if I let you fuck me.
Be careful on what parts of my body you compliment.
If I want you to touch my pants, you’ll know,
Otherwise don’t even look at it..
Lover, I understand this isn’t easy.
But I will love you with all that I am.
I will sing to you out of tune,
And hold you when your dog dies,
And leave hidden messages on your window,
And when I fuck you with such passion and such rawness,
You’ll swear you saw God,
Even if you don’t believe in him. Or her.
Lover, just understand,
That this won’t be easy.